Moving forward

I do not feel well, as always. I was up for 4 hours, then slept for 3. I got up before the kids came home from school. I put away all the Christmas decorations. Now I am sitting because my head hurts again. The migraines have returned full force. I am wondering if my electric blanket is causing them. How disappointing if that is the case as I have been sleeping rather soundly since I began using it.

I have begun listening to meditation music throughout the day. I wonder if it is helping me. I feel like vomiting. I am so tired.

I want to be excited for the things that are happening, but I don’t believe there is much life left in me at all. Or perhaps it is the lack of money. Or neck and shoulder pain combined with the lack of money.

I think it is mostly being sick. I wish I had never gotten the breast implants. What a mistake that was! My right breast still hurts. Why do we think it is okay/safe to put foreign objects inside our bodies? Why was I so brainwashed? I am thankful they are gone now, but the residual symptoms and suffering are awful. I think I need to eat. I am eating less now and not sure why. Cooking takes a lot of energy. I just want to sleep forever.

And I love him again… He loves the kids and he does try. He is an addict and I cannot hate him for that. I am angry and it is his responsibility to get help, but I don’t think he ever will and I still will not stay. But it was nice to have him next to me last night and I cannot wait to have him next to me again tonight.

I am still angry though. I know I am bipolar and love him one minute and can’t stand him the next, but this began when he got mad at me on my son’s birthday because he was jealous of my son’s dad coming to the party. I wish he loved himself.

Perhaps while I am in Thailand I will write my book. Perhaps I will end up somewhere else. I have begun my journey. Through channels I have been put in touch with a therapist in the city who has connections to alternative treatments. They know my story and are willing to work with me. All of this is happening now so that by October I will be ready to journey to Peru. I have decided it has to be Peru. I have had an obsession with Machu Pichu and the ancient civilizations from the time I was a young girl. I don’t believe it was a coincidence that now, when I am ready and open to believe, I have found Ayahuasca, and an underground path towards practitioners.

I don’t belong here. I never did. I have brought my children into this world and they are on their paths. Now it is time for me to follow mine. I was out running errands this morning and I again asked myself why can’t I just be normal? Get a job, find a stable relationship, pay my bills, settle down, and have a place for my kids to come visit form time to time, but that isn’t me. It never was.

Tomorrow I will need to find a way to make money. I need to get through September. I need to not be in pain. We should be okay for money, since he isn’t paying the mortgage anyway! My bills should be covered. I should have paid them first and not worried about the holidays. I am mostly defeated.

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