Insomnia

I can’t sleep tonight. My mind and I have been having a disagreement. At this moment I don’t believe I am as worthless as my mind and society say I am. I am a fuck up, yes. A stupid mother who thought I knew how to raise children, but alas all I beat myself up for is hindsight. At the time I was doing and trying my best. I need to continue taking care of myself and stay away from sugar and processed foods. They do nothing for my body. They do not satiate me. They cause bloating and headaches.

I love my kids, and the question becomes do I stay here for them? Do I fully release my hopes and dreams like most mothers do? Are mothers who stay stronger or mothers who leave? Which is right? Which is wrong? Does it have to be one or the other? Can I even take my son away from his father and his family? What do I have to offer him on my own? He doesn’t know how fucked up his dad is. I made so many mistakes with my daughter and my other boys, but again hindsight! Whichever choice I make for him I will wonder if it was the right one his entire life. I love that kid. I wish I had let my girlfriend and her partner adopt him when he was a baby. He would be speaking Spanish and would be getting a better education. He would have more opportunities and be college bound for sure. And I might have a better relationship with my 2nd youngest son. I would never have gone back to his dad that way and maybe my daughter wouldn’t hate me. How awful is that to even write? The thought that I should have given my son away. And if I had I would have hindsight now wondering if I should have kept him. There is no answer but to move forward from where I am at now. I can beat myself up everyday for the rest of my life. It won’t change anything. I can continue to play my fuck up reels in my head or I can keep moving forward doing what’s best for my little one and at the same time finding a life for myself. But I never will if I keep replaying that fuck up reel. I never will if I continue to abuse myself. If I continue to be afraid. Get this house sold! Pocket the money and change your damn future! Finish your certification and be independent! Find people like you and learn to love yourself! Be poor and embrace it. Let go of jealousy and anger. Stop comparing yourself to anyone. You’ll be okay… or you won’t… either way you are here in this moment and your life is what it is. Nothing will change in this moment except the story you keep alive in your brain. Maybe it is time to change that story once and for all!

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