The thoughts are very dark today. I had thoughts of not waiting until August. My mother is out of state for the holidays. Her house is empty and her plethora of medications which would surely do the job sit available. She would never notice what I took. I don’t feel sorry for myself. I continually want to make that clear. I have a roof over my head. I have good kids (even the ones who don’t like me). I am mostly healthy physically, aside from the EBV which makes me tired as fuck half the time. I have no risk for heart disease, I have low blood pressure, I can still sit on the floor, run up and down the stairs, I know how to eat well and have access to healthy foods. It’s my brain that is dysfunctional. It tells me I am worthless and useless and a failure and a fuck up. It tells me everything wrong in my kids’ lives is my fault and it doesn’t stop. And I sit here and I listen to it. and it shows me all the “normal” functioning people in society and tells me that will never be me. It shows me how I cry all the time and I overreact and how I can’t make the right decision to save my life. It shows me all the things I have done wrong with my kids. It shows me how I am nothing more than a burden and how I will never achieve success. It shows me I am weak and don’t belong in our society.
How I wish I were stronger and normal. At least normal enough to hold a job or run a business. To feel like smiling more days than not. To have the energy to help others and contribute to making the world a better place. I can’t say I wish I’d never been born because then my kids would not exist. If there were a way for my kids to exist with me never having been born I would make it so.