I am making plans. If I can work it all out, put all the steps into place I won’t complete suicide in August and my life will be completely different by September.
I hate him. I keep trying to love him, but the stronger I get the less I like him. Tonight he was out late and I was happy. I had the house to myself and it was nice. He got home and complained because I wanted to sit down after giving him a hug, because he wasn’t done hugging me. Then complained because our son didn’t ask about him when I txtd him to check on him (he didn’t ask how I was doing either. He’s 11. He was busy having fun being a kid). Last night we threw my 18 year old son a surprise party. He paid for everything, then accused me of cheating with my ex-husband and complained about everything. I’m just tired. Now he is telling me he paid for everything and gave me money and now I am treating him like crap. I hate him! I know it’s going to escalate if I don’t go play nice. He spends all this money, but doesn’t pay the bills, but blames me for him spending money and not having money to pay the bills, when I am more than willing to talk and be frugal. I hate him! I want to save money. I want to be a normal family. I wish he would just go away and this time I don’t want him back! I am tired of being blamed for everything. I am tired of being criticized for all that I am. I’m tired of listening to him complain about me and the kids and the dogs all the damn time. I’m just fucking tired!
I don’t want to be jumpy and on edge anymore. If my family hates me (just like my daughter already does) then so be it. I can’t take this anymore. I love them all, but they don’t see it or feel the anxiety I live with everyday. I can’t do it anymore. I really can’t. If I stay with him I will complete suicide. I wish he would meet someone and leave me!