I couldn’t stop crying today and my suicidal thoughts grew stronger and stronger. So I gave in and took a Wellbutrin. My thoughts are running towards not being a good enough mom. Never being a good enough mom. My friends tell me I am a great mom, but my daughter and my ex say otherwise and I hold onto that.

My partner has been gambling again and right now I have no money at all for the holidays. I am afraid he is going to ruin the holidays again. I want it to be over. I want him to leave and not look back. Let us have a real life. I’m not in love with him anymore.

Tomorrow I have to find a way to make money. I can’t be depressed anymore. I have to give up the Panama dream and plan for selling the house. Figure out a future without him in it.