Ian shaking. I do not want to be here. I am ashamed. I don’t want this to be my life. Where did I go wrong? Why am I a failure? Why can’t I do anything right? How do I start over? How do I make it right? 

Yesterday the sadness came back hard and strong. It told me to cut myself. It told me to swallow the pills. It told me to end it all already. I almost did. I probably should, but I guess I’m not quite ready to give up. 

But then again maybe I am. My mood fluctuates too much. I sometimes think giving up is my only option. My only true answer. It feels right.

 I don’t want to exist anymore  and it has nothing to do with him. I mean, it would probably be different if I had a supportive partner, but I don’t and I won’t. The question is, am   I better able to take care of myself with him around or without him around? Is it better for my son to have him here or have him gone? The way he talks about my boys. The way he complains. The things he says about me when he’s “mad”? How irresponsible he is with money. The lies. But he cleans and buys me ice cream. Should I be the gold digger h says I am and play nice until he finishes the house? Or should I just give up?