Sadness

Today the sadness is strong. I have so much to do, but feel like doing absolutely nothing. I am lazy and worthless again. I don’t mean to be. I don’t think I want to be. I would very much like to run away, yet I sit and don’t make plans. I run away, but always come back. The cycle never ends. What if we sell the house? Make enough off of it to pay a few months of rent somewhere else or at least buy a plane ticket to somewhere else. Then find a job. Would I be happy then? Or would I still be crazy me? 

I wish I was like everyone who lives. Who does things with their life. I wish I wasn’t so alone. I wish I was brave enough to blow my head off today. I wish I woke up feeling good in the mornings (I don’t remember what that’s like). I wish I woke up looking forward to things. I wish there was a way to have my kids exist, but for me to never have been born. I wish I was never born. 

It feels good to get that out. I wish I was never born! I wish I never existed! I wish all that is me was never made. I have no fight left in me. I don’t want to die, I am too afraid, but I don’t want to exist any longer either. 

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