357 Days

Tonight I do not feel much like writing. Today I wish it was today. I hate who I am. I am lazy and crazy. It is a night where if I had a gun I would put it to my head and pull the trigger. 

I had a good day. Drove 3 hours over the mountains to take my son to visit his girlfriend. We talked almost the entire way. I see wonderful things in his future. I am thankful he is not like me. Not crazy so that he will never be a failure like me. 

Sometimes I look in the mirror and think I am beautiful. Sometimes I believe I am normal and equal to everyone else. Then I have moments of clarity where I realize I am not what I think I am. I am awkward with no sense of style. With an ugly face. I have no makeup skills. I fix my hair, look in the mirror and think I look wonderful, then I leave the house. I see my reflection somewhere and realize I am just a crazy lady who believes she is beautiful. But that is all superficial and should not matter. Yet it does.

I am here in my son’s girlfriends house. Her family is “normal”. Loud and boisterous. A real family. I wish I was normal and could have given my kids a life like this. I WISH I WAS FUCKING NORMAL!!!! 

I don’t think I can last a year. 

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