Perhaps, if I start taking care of myself and get my certifications I will start feeling better and can start applying for jobs at resorts or cruise ships as a nutritionist. Seeing an older person in shape might be less intimidating and more relatable than someone working with someone who is young and perfect. 

I just have to get home and focus and really work hard and still maintain that if I can’t do it I can end my life next August. I do know the kids need me, but not if I can’t manage myself enough to leave him and be a strong single mother. He complains about every little thing too much. It is exhausting and I can’t continue to live that way. He tries to break me down and ruin the things I want to do for me and my mental health. And if I ask him to stop complaining he causes a huge scene and I just can’t do it anymore.