I’m not sure how my last post was 3 days ago. I thought I only missed one day. I have been sad. Imagine that!
Well… I didn’t finish this last night so looks like it is 4 days now. I finally have a day to myself. First one since I quit working. I need to get my butt in gear and get moving! I cut my arm this morning. Just a few times. It helped me get up and get ready to leave the house. I am still having suicidal ideation fantasy thoughts. I do wish those would go away. I don’t want to die. I want to feel better and live. I feel so trapped.
It is amazing how quickly others expect you to be better after a suicide attempt. As if, you tried it and failed and now you should be better now. Last night I wanted to tell my oldest son not to blame himself when I do eventually complete suicide. Not sure why I feel it is inevitable (maybe because I gave myself 365 days and a part of me knows I won’t be better by the time this year is up). Interestingly, he did the Myers Briggs at school this week and he is an INFP, like me! (I am so thankful he has the confidence to offset it though) He also mentioned to me that INFP’s have a higher suicide rate than most other personality types. I had to laugh at that one! Figures…
I also got my blood test results back yesterday. My EBV levels are still extremely high. So my Chronic Mono is definitely not in remission. It explains my tiredness, but the world still doesn’t care. So today I will work on making money and trying to live in spite of all of it.