Letter to My Daughter

To My Daugher:

I’m not quite sure what your problem is. You decided I am a horrible manipulative person and I never tried to defend myself. I could go the rest of my life with you hating me because I know I am a good person and tried my best with all of you. You claim to be open minded and accepting of all others yet you were quick to condemn your own mother for not being what you determined a mother should be. 

I wish I was this horrible manipulative person It has been said that I am. Have you ever put yourself in my shoes? Did you know I not only suffer from depression, but bipolar disorder? Did you know I left your father because he threw Your cousin on the ground when she was 5 years old and stepped on her stomach and said, “Do you like how that feels?” until she cried? Did you know I told him I wasn’t buying food for your dog because he told me he was going to buy a 3D printer, but couldn’t afford to feed her? Did you know every fucking holiday your entire life I overdrew my bank account to make sure you guys had everything? Did you know I went back to Yiur step dad time and time again because I thought I was worthless and couldn’t make it on my own? Please explain to me how driving to take Your dog to the vet becuase your dad wouldn’t shows my manipulative character? Please tell me exactly what makes me all that you say I am as a mother and as person…???

 When Your youngest brother was born and I let you go live with your grandparents did you know it was because I was cutting myself and had daily suicidal ideation from post partum depression bordering on post partum psychosis? Did you know I had no one to help me through that?

 Did you know when I let you choose to go live with your dad it was because I thought I was a horrible mother and that it was entirely my fault you were smoking weed? Because I spent almost everyday in bed trying to fight the depressive and suicidal thoughts in my head? And I would only get up right before you got home from school and pretend I had been up all day and was doing fine.

 Was I being manipulative and horrible the times I drove up to your college to make sure you got to the doctor? Was I being horrible the times I took all of you to parties at aunty’s and your dad’s? Did your dad or his family ever come to any of your school activities? Did you also know I spent all the years of your life battling Chronic Mononucleosis? That I didn’t even know was a chronic illness? That I had little to no energy the majority of the time and beat myself up constantly for it? Even though there was nothing I could do to control it. Was I awful when your other Aunty  made a point to tell your bothers they weren’t “real” family when they were little? And I still brought them around! When I bought a cake and everything for one of Cousin’s birthdays because no one else did, was I manipulative then? Did I have a plan?

 I have never claimed to be perfect or anywhere close. I tried my best and I still beat myself up for the mistakes I have made as a mother. You never went without food or clothing. I never stopped buying your feminine hygiene products! Anything you asked for I got for you. Even if I didn’t have the money! There were plenty of Holidays where I not only overdrew my account but I also sold belonging we had..

 You can look down on me, be hypercritical your entire life, and never speak to me again for the slights you think I have committed against you. I am truly sorry things are the way they are, but I wish you the best and happiness no matter what you think of me.

 And on Christmas, the only reason I came into your house was because your brothers all asked me to. Your brothers didn’t want to drive up with grandma and Your oldest brother didn’t want to drive up there himself. If I hadn’t agreed to bring them they would not have come! The fact that you have hurt Your brother and don’t want him in your life because of me says everything about your character, not about mine. The times I asked you to come to games and said Your brother  wouldn’t come unless you did were not to guilt trip you but to show up how Your brother didn’t want to go to the games but seeing you was the incentive which made him say he would go. Because seeing you meant that much to him!

 Also, as far as Your step dad and I “forcing” you to get an abortion??? Your step dad didn’t even ever know you were pregnant. And I let you fully and completely make that choice on your own. Perhaps if you weren’t smoking weed all the time you would have known that and remembered things accurately. You know, I got pregnant when you were still a baby and Your grandma suggested I get an abortion. I did. But I sure as fuck didn’t blame her for my decision!

I hope someday you educate yourself and look further into things than the judgement you currently feel you have the right to pass on me and others you have decided to look down on. You cannot be woke/enlightened/Buddhist and believe you are better than others based on the thoughts you hold in your own head and I hope someday you realize that as well.
Was there “drama” between me and my husband? Yes! He was dealing with a serious gambling addiction and I was in the throws of an un-treated Bipolar Disorder and after Your littlest brotherwas born, severe postpartum depression. We are all human! Every single one of us makes mistakes! The idea is to learn and grow and become a better person. You don’t get to claim you are open minded and superior to others when you won’t take the time to put yourself in others shoes. 

But in the end I wish you peace and happiness. I hope someday you see your judgment  is just like the rest of society who condemns and blames people for their mental health conditions. You are no better. Not a single person deliberately hurt you growing up and everyone was there to help you even though you can’t see it. But I hope you have a happy content life from here on out. I will never contact you again.


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