Smoked a little weed this evening. It was a rough day and since nothing else has worked I figured it was time to give it a try as my 1st New Alternative treatment test. I will smoke weed everyday for a month and see if I feel any different.
At first I almost felt worse. I got it into my head that suicide would be easy this way and a great way to end my pain. But then I got in the shower and my mind traveled down a different path. It’s been a long time since I felt this good in my body. My bed feels so soft. Almost like bein on Ecstacy. If I can maintain this and not go to my dark place life might be okay. It’s nice to be relaxed and I wonder if this is somewhat how people without anxiety feel everyday. Its true that you don’t realize how bad your anxiety is until you don’t have it. Then you can’t believe how incredibly awful it truly is and how do you even survive day after day? Then throw Bipolar on top of the anxiety! How the fuck am I still here??? How are any who feel like I do still here? For all our crazy we are some amazingly strong people!
I also believe I will be able to sleep tonight. It has been so very long since I slept well and felt good.