Still here over the mountains. I went to vacuum out my car, by myself. The token machine was broken so I had to speak with the car wash attendants for tokens. To a “normal” person this does not seem like anything. Just another day, just another person to talk to, but for me… In the past I would have just left and gone to another place. This time I had to speak with them twice! I also spoke to someone at the store and smiled at people. On my bad days I don’t make eye contact with anyone and I definitely don’t speak to anyone! But today I feel relaxed and equal to everyone else. When I feel this way I wonder how I can feel the other way. It seems ridiculous and I vow to never act that way again. I still wonder if I’m awkward, but I don’t care. In fact I know I’m stop awkward and I don’t care.

I know I’m not a normal mom. I know all my kids will grow up and be normal and never come to see me. I am beginning to accept that. I only hope they never treat anyone else with a mental disorder differently or blame them for things they cannot control. I hope my middle son sees his dad for what he is and sees it’s not okay to tear someone down due to their mental health. I hope when I am not here they understand suicide is not selfish or weak. 

Ugh! My mind is all over the place. Tomorrow I will post my list of things I am going to do in this next year. I am also going to pen a letter to my daughter. I most likely will never give it to her, but I need to say the things I need to say. 

Now for food then the long drive home.