Another night I cannot sleep. My mind has gotten away from me. I should not have come here. I am doing to much and going to crash again soon. I can’t do all the things I planned in doing in this next year.

I have to figure out something. Someway to live for this next year. I wish I could stop hating myself for this year. My son has a theory we talked about today. He said life is always “it can only get better”. If your life is awful, it can only get better. Then, if it does get worse you think it got worse, but it can only get better from here. So if you spend your life believing -it can only get better- then you are set. The sweet unjaded young mind of his. I hope life continues to bring great things to him.

He can hope last night and said, “Mom I know I said not to go away, but if you need to you can Tina way to Budapest.” His close friends’ mom is currently in an inpatient facility because she attempted suicide. All of it broke my heart. I think when I do it I will do it in another country, so that my kids never know and they can forever think I just ran away. I think that is my plan.

Goodnight.