356 Days morning

I worry too much what others think. I used to think I didn’t. I try not to, but I do. When I am doing it I ask myself why I care what others think and why can’t I just live my life and find my happiness, my passion. If I didn’t focus so much on what the world thinks of me (which is actually very little because everyone in the world is in their own head thinking about themselves) I would have the energy to follow my dreams. Or maybe that is just an excuse. Perhaps I truly am just lazy and worthless. 

I woke up this morning and I didn’t want to die. I just wanted the pain to go away. 

Why the fuck do I care so much what others think? I took a chocolate donut and I think they are going to talk about me and say what a horrible person I am because the kids probably wanted the chocolate ones and now there aren’t enough. I didn’t think about it until after I grabbed the donut. Am I horrible? Am I just immature with no self confidence? What the fuck is wrong with me???? Why can’t I just be like it’s the donut I wanted. He said grab a donut. I didn’t like any of the other kinds. I hope the Lamictal kicks in soon and takes all this away from me. I just want to go home and hide in my bed. Lay(lie?) down and let that voice inside my head go crazy. Let it tell me I wish my kids had a normal mom. Then have the other voice say, if they had a normal mom they wouldn’t be who they are. They would not exist. Let that voice tell me, you have no friends because no one likes you because you’re a fucking unstable crazy person who is no fun. My rational voice will tell me I have friends but I don’t get together with them because I isolate myself, but they are still there and care about me. And I can get out in the world and make new friends in areas where we have things in common. But no one at your work actually likes you! But they do on some level, they just aren’t your type of people. Come on! It’s accounting, really? You expected your social justice minded self to fit in in an accounting environment? 

And she wanted the chocolate donut! I feel like such an asshole! 

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