I think it is certain and meant to be with the universe. I read through my old journals today. I have always been crazy! I always thought it was my sister with the serious mental health issues, but it is me. I have done the same crazy things my entire life. I have fucked my life up and lost all of my friends. But the kicker… A little over year ago I had already planned to complete suicide two years from then, which was the same week of my year being up! It is just meant to be. My crazy can’t exist any longer. I thought I was a good mom raising my kids, but all I was was a whole lot a crazy messed upness! I hate myself so very much after reading those past journals and realizing it is, was, and always has been me!