Tonight I had an episode. I was convinced my significant other was spending time with another woman instead of being at work. I had no proof. Anytime I call him he is at work or where he says he is going to be. But I convinced myself he must be cheating because, why wouldn’t he cheat on me? I’m an emotional rollercoaster that I don’t think anyone could be strong enough to handle. I guess, maybe it is because if I were him I would. Just to get a moment of laughter and enjoyment away from the stress that is me along with the regular stresses of a house and family life. Or maybe it is because I have been cheated on by every person I have loved throughout my life? But, no matter, at my age shouldn’t I be able to cope and act rational?
After I cried my eyes out and he reassured my for the millionth time I began to think of my life. All the way back to junior high school and I realized I have always been a hot mess. I have always been melodramatic and irrational. I’ve never been able to keep friends. I can’t see it when someone loves me or is there for me. I know I am exhausting to be around. I am like a teenage girl. Somewhere along the way a part of me just couldn’t grow up.
Tomorrow morning I will feel ok. Not good or great, but ok. I can handle that. But I lay here tonight looking at he veins in my arms and wanting to cut them. And knowing I will kill myself during one of my episodes.