Downward spiral

I cannot fall asleep. I am exhausted. I do not feel well and I cannot fall asleep. My mind begins to tell my I am worthless just because of this little thing. It tells me no one cares about me and I can’t even take care of my kids because I am so tired and lazy. I can’t get up and I can’t fall asleep, good for nothing in every way. My thoughts quickly turn to my out, my suicide. It reminds me how good I was feeling only yesterday and how I was even feeling okay earlier this afternoon, even when I was still sleepy. But now it wants to remind me that the pain always comes back. I am so angry now. So very very angry. At myself for taking these medications and not feeling well. At myself for not figuring it out and fighting the depression naturally, at myself for being Wishy washy and letting what I think others think effect me. And mad at the world for being what it is and the stupidity of it all. I am made at myself for sounding like I do, poor me, poor me, poor me. But I don’t feel sorry for myself! I am mad! I am tempted to skip work again tomorrow and run off to the mountains with the dogs. So very tempted. Crawling out of my skin again. I think I will go make some cheese toast. 

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