I took my prescribed Seroquel last night. I passed out and slept until noon. I did wake up around 10:00 and txt my boss. Big ol’ oops there… She did not reply. I am irresponsible and inconsiderate. I do not play my part in keeping the machine that is our society running smoothly. I am part of the looked down upon, unable to do the minimum society asks of me in order to earn a right to trespass upon this earth. But FUCK IT! I don’t want to do the minimum and I just don’t care anymore. Were it to be me in a bosses position and I knew my employee had recently attempted suicide my reaction would be different. I don’t know my bossses truth, I don’t know my coworkers’ truths, but for me they do represent the masses. Those content with the 9-5, those who appear to believe if you fall within the perameters they have determined as worthy you are nothing.
I sit here in my car with 3 minutes to decide if I will go into He office for the final two hours of the day. Something within me is stubbornly shouting NO!!! I am inclined to listen. I want to turn my music up to full volume and dance in the parking lot. I want to scream to everyone, “Life is not meant to be this way!” There is no God, no higher power, no entity who said you shall sit in an office building 8 hours a day for the majority of your life” I feel the wind and look at the trees and I am saddened By the thought of what our society is. I cannot bring myself to exit my vehicle and enter the boxed building. I need to run. I need to be one with nature. If only I could sneak away to the mountains with my dogs, meditate in a meadow and frolick in the trees.
Aren’t I ridiculous??? I do not feel a sense of obligation to my job, to my coworkers, to society. I rebel against it all! In less than a year should I no longer be here, I can’t waste another day! And if I do decide suicide is not the answer and I am still here, I still cannot waste another day!!! I am ready to begin a new journey. A path against the norm. I continue to sit here and as I do I feel the bile rising in the back of my throat, my stomach is churning, and I am prepared to open my door and vomit on the hot cement.
No one knows my truth and there is something freeing in that (it seems freeing has been my word and my experience this past week). Yesterday sitting in my cubicle one of the agents came and spoke with me. I told him this was my last week here. I told him I have no desire to obtain another state job or work in an office setting. That seeemd to blow his mind. He could not even begin to grasp the concept. He began suggesting different office jobs and locations. When I said I wasn’t interested and I was just going to figure it out along the way he appeared confused. As if the concept just could not compute in his head.
I have asked my therapist many times. Why am I different? Why can so many people function just fine in the 9-5 life of consumerism and complacency, but I can’t? She has encouraged my to embrace this. I think I am beginning to. What if my suicidal thoughts are truly due to living against who I am? Who I am meant to be? I am going home. I am not going into that office. Let them look down on me. Let society say I have failed. It is time for me to live my truth. Society is so very backwards I will no longer base my self worth on any of it.