363 Days Until I Die

I don’t remember the last time I genuinely laughed. Last night was rough. I made dinner even though I was exhausted. Pork chops and rice for the family and corn, peas, and rice with barbecue jack fruit for me. We were all talking and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. My son even had his girlfriend on Facetime eating with us. It was sweet, but as usual my thoughts kept wandering towards the negative. “You’re going to kill yourself in less than a year now, what did you do today? The same old thing! You are a loser!” So I took my meds and waited for the sleepiness to kick in. 

As I waited I put on Pandora, Jon Legend radio, and jumped in the shower. My significant other decided to join me. It was sweet and beautiful. He kissed me and touched me and I thought, “I should be in heaven right now.” But all I could think was “I am so tired. I don’t have the energy to pretend to enjoy it tonight (which is what I usually do then I end up enjoying it immensely). He then tried to make me laugh, and I did, just to see him smile. It wasn’t real though and I wonder if he saw the pain behind it.

Today I have a commitment I won’t break. It is for my son, a monthly group we are helping lead. A support group for him and his stuttering. If i were well I would love this. I made the commitment on a day when I was feeling particularly up beat. After the first planning meeting all I could think was WHAT HAVE I DONE! I can’t handle this. I’m going to end up quitting and everyone in the organization is going to hate me or look down on me with disgust. I’m such a loser! But I am going today. I think knowing I only have one more week of work is helping. I’m still exhausted, but soon I won’t have the dreaded office cubicle to fret over. 

It is time to wake up the kids and get myself looking some semblance of presentable. If only the world saw everyone as beautiful all of the time and personality really was what counts. Alas, that shall never happen and my thoughts on society are for a blog post on another day.   


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