365 days until I die

I attempted suicide. On August 11th, 2017 I made a halfhearted attempt by taking a handful of Flexeril and Percocet. I was hoping to fall asleep and never wake up. Instead, I slept for 4 days then woke up to my same old life, same old feelings, same old thoughts in my head. I am 42 years old. Not much hope for a future. Not much hope for anything at all, but my family is convinced they would not be better off without me and I cannot convince them otherwise.

I haven’t done much with my life. I have spent the majority of it inside my house laying in bed depressed. I have been told how worthless and pathetic I am. I have been called selfish and manipulative. I can’t hold down a job and I can’t fit in (believe me I’ve tried). So today I have made a deal with myself. In 365 days if I have not made significant changes in my life I will complete suicide. I will do one new thing each day, even if it is as small as driving a different route somewhere.

For 365 days I am going to LIVE! I am going to take risks. I am going to push myself outside my comfort zone. I am going to confront my fears. If I can’t figure it out and make something of myself or find some meaning in this life on August 24th, 2018 I will end my life.

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