364 Days Until I die

I have been alive almost 43 years now. You would think it would be easy to stay alive for one more, but my mind and I are no longer friends. Everyday it tells me I should do it. Everyday it tells me I am worthless and suggests methods I can use. Last night it became asphyxiation. Most likely with a belt or a scarf. I saw a documentary where a child completed suicide by this method. If a child can do it I think I can accomplish that.

But I digress. Now is not the time for methods and procedures (perhaps 30-60 days out we will address that issue).For now we focus on the present.

I gave notice at my job. I wanted to just quit, but out of respect for my coworkers I gave the standard two weeks. Why hold onto a desk job I hate that doesn’t even pay me a living wage if I am going to die within a year? Right? I feel a sense of freedom no longer being part of the rat race. No more worries on what the future holds. My therapist suggested I make a list of all the things I could do instead of killing myself. Instead I think I will make a list of all the things I want to do before I kill myself. Then, actually do them!

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