365 Days to live or die

What would you do if you gave yourself 365 days to live? Would you do nothing and just wait for the day? Would you try to change your own mind and find a “cure” for your mental health? I am about to find out! I have given myself until August of 2018. At first I was determined to just enjoy the next 365 days and committed to ending my life. Now I go back and forth over giving up or fighting to find my way. Over this next year I will try every alternative treatment I can find. I will live my life fully and with wild abandon and at the end if I still decide to complete suicide I will know I gave it my all for one entire year.


Depression Over the Years and the Remedies I have tried

*I am not a doctor or any type of medical professional. I do not recommend modalities of any type, I am only presenting what I have tried and what has and hasn’t worked for me.*

I was first diagnosed with depression at the age of 20, though it began at 12 years of age when I went through puberty.

The first medication I was prescribed was Paxil. It worked fairly quickly. I felt outgoing and positive again for a few months. When it stopped working the doctors prescribed Prozac. It worked as well, however I develop neck and shoulder pain/tightness that was debilitating. I stopped taking it because of this.

From there it was a merry-go-round of medication trials. I was on and off Wellbutrin for 12 years. It kept me from becoming suicidal, but I was irritable and had difficulty with impulse control.

During the times the Wellbutrin wasn’t working or I was not taking it, the doctors prescribed a myriad of other medications. Prescriptions for antidepressants, mood stabilizers, anti-psychotics, etc… I feel like I tried just about everything out there. They either didn’t work or I could not tolerate the side effects.

I saw several naturopaths as well over the years. I tired St. John’s Wort, 5-HTP, Lithium Orotate, Magnesium, Rhodiola, Viamin-D, Fish Oil, L-theanine, Reishi mushroom, Cats Claw, a daily multi-vitamin, and many more. They all worked to some degree, but the depression, the suicidal ideation, the impulse control issues, and the anxiety was never fully kept at bay.

I have also worked with plant medicines to include, Ayahuasca, San Pedro, Cannabis, and Kratom. I feel they have had the greatest positive impact on my life and I see future ceremonies in my future.

In my recovery I have also participated in retreats (both plant medicine and meditation retreats), healing through time in mother nature, exercise: gym and kickboxing and trampolining for 3 months at our local indoor trampoline park (it’s quite a workout), therapy, support groups, a healthy whole-foods diet (I’ve been a vegetarian for 11 years), positive thinking, mindfulness, yoga, sound healing, epigenetics work, etc…

It’s been a journey through hell, but I can genuinely say I have come out on the other side and there is hope. It can get better! Please don’t give up! When I began this blog I honestly did not believe I would still be alive today and I definitely did not believe I could want to be alive. It’s worth it! It really truly is! Hang on and keep trying. I’m always here to help.



Depression, Family Dynamics, and Hope for the Future

It’s been awhile since I’ve written. I am still here! I hope you all are too! It’s been quite a journey. Recently I went on an off road camping adventure with a girlfriend. She has a jeep. A brand new jeep. A brand new fancy basically self driving jeep designed specifically for off roading. For some of the trip I had to get out of the jeep and walk. The sheer cliff on our left side, on the bumpy dirt road we were on was just too much for me. My friend didn’t miss a beat. “Sure, jump out. No problem. You want to go ahead of me or me go ahead of you?” She’s an amazing friend!

I haven’t been surrounded by a lot of people in my life who just accepted me and my quirks, but over the past few months I have been expanding my circle and letting new people into my life. It has been the most beautiful experience! There really are some amazing people out there. I have also released all of the shame and guilt I held over being estranged from my daughter and not liking or getting along with my sister. It is empowering and a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I have also let go of my anger and resentment of others.

This did not come easily. I spent time recently in service at a meditation center. While in service, you perform duties around the meditation center to help get it ready for the next meditation course. You also get 3 hours a day of silent meditation. During my silent meditation hours I went deep into meditation. I dropped into a dark whole and explored a lot of my fears and my beliefs. At night my dreams were extremely intense, bringing up all the issues I had worked on in meditation. (*I do realize meditation is for clearing your mind, however even when focusing on your breathe or your body (as you do in Vipassanna) issues arise that you work through and find relief for your mind, body, and soul.) It is not easy work, but it is worth it.

I am no longer suicidal. I do not believe the suicidal ideation will return. I will still have bad days. I will still have days where I doubt myself, but as long as I continue on my journey I know I will be okay. Please don’t ever give up!

Acceptance of Something…

I have accepted I cannot complete suicide. My 12 year old needs me. His dad just lost his apartment and is now renting a room in someone else’s home. So, unless he gets his shit together and can keep a stable place for my son to stay, then I am stuck on this earth. But I still don’t want to be here. I’ve been trying recently, but I can’t play the game. I need to find a living wage job within the next year or I will be homeless myself. When most days you feel like you aren’t worth anything that’s a hard thing to make happen. I have a good deal of supportive people in my life, but not any that can hand me a job. Well… that’s not true. There is one, but with that I would have to move to another state and that would devastate my son. He doesn’t see his father enough as it is. If I took him far away from what family we do have it would break his heart. I don’t know why I can’t just go out and get a damn job! Why my brain is so broken it can’t function “normally” for more than a few days! Why I can’t face the world and fit in somewhere. Poor me! Poor me! I don’t feel sorry for myself. I feel thankful for all that I do have. I feel thankful for all the opportunities I have had that I have fucked up. I feel thankful I currently have a roof over my head and food to eat. I have a car and my kids are all healthy and thriving for the most part. Aside from my brain, I am physically healthy. And I just can’t figure out how to put it all together and push myself to find a job. I hate myself, but I don’t feel sorry for myself. I don’t want to exist in this manner any longer.

Being Me

Another day. Another day. Another day. Scream. Cry. Laugh it all off. Be fucking normal! Be fucking normal! Be fucking normal! Reply to messages. Be considerate. Quiet that voice. Shut it up. Shut it down. Be fucking normal! Scream! Scream! Scream! Meditate. Why? What’s the point? Trust the universe? This life… The afterlife… What is now? Be present. Pain. Exhaustion. Appreciate. Work harder. Be stronger. Change. Don’t scream. Breath. Relax. Cry. Don’t cry. Focus on the normal. Focus on sanity. What is sanity in an insane world? Fake it until you make it. What does that even really mean? and why? Why? I hate me. I love me. So many mistakes. Move forward. Change. Be real. Be confident. Keep on. Don’t give up. Old. Ugly. Worthless. Wasted years. So many more to come. Stay healthy. Get a job. Make money. Spend it to feel beautiful. Exercise. Who cares what I think they think! My mind is not my friend. My mind is cruel and unforgiving. It does not like me. If it did it would be kind and considerate. The world scares me in a way. People scare me and yet they don’t. I was brave once. At lease semi-brave. I am angry. So very angry, at me, at my mind. I want to disappear. To disappear. Into oblivion. I want to connect and be a part of society. I hate me. Who the fuck am I? The point is, there is no point. Just live. Stop thinking so much. Just live. Just fucking live! Be open. Be you. Do not listen to your mind when it says, “lazy worthless stupid bitch”. Do not listen. It’s okay to be crazy. If crazy is what you are. Crazy… What an awful word. Don’t define me. Don’t define myself. I almost gave up again last night and I thought -I am crazy. I will never fit into this world. I will never be a success in the eyes of society. I will never be able to pull it off.. being “normal”. I am not and never will be. Where does that leave me now? How do I move forward now? I have wasted my life away or have I? I don’t want to pretend any longer. I am struggling. I need help. I need support. I need to be me. I need to… I need to… I need to scream! and scream and scream. To go back and time and come out normal. What I wouldn’t give to go back in time and come out normal! Fuck!

Consistency is not my Forte

I am accepting consistency is not my forte. In the past my inner voice would have told me what a worthless failure I am. I know my patterns now and how I beat myself into a downward spiral of self hatred. It only took me 44 1/2 years and 2 grown children hating me for me to get it! Yesterday I visited a girlfriend, one I appreciate beyond measure. She let me talk and talk and talk. We discussed the entire path of my life, beginning when I was 8 years old and my eye doctor touched my butt (he touched my butt every time I saw him, twice a year until I was 15 and moved to a different city). We talked about all the ugly things and some of the beautiful things of my life. Things I have discussed with therapists many times, but for some reason this time it all clicked for me and I understood how I got to where I am and why I am the way I am. And maybe, just maybe I finally feel strong enough to free myself. Maybe, just maybe, I finally know deep in my heart that I am not worthless (at least for today).

Feeling Sorry for Myself and Celebrity Suicide

I don’t. I don’t feel sorry for myself. My life’s not great, but it isn’t bad. I have a lot to be thankful for, but that doesn’t make the urge to die any less. Is this how celebrities who complete suicide feel?  I was reading comments on an article today; an article discussing Robin Williams and his son’s grief. A woman commented how hurt she was over her sister completing suicide and how she couldn’t believe her sister had done that to her. I’m still not sure exactly how that made me feel, a bit sad, a bit angry, and a slew of other emotions. One of my son’s close friends passed away this month, on May 7th. She was 12. When I think about that I feel like a piece of shit selfish asshole mother fucker. But I still feel like I want to die. As a matter of fact I really don’t think I have ever been this close. I see why people pop random pills. I see why people don’t leave a note. I wish we were technologically capable of doing full body transplants and I could leave someone my physical health. But I think I’ve mentioned that in the past. It would be nice to be able to donate my organs, but not necessary. Ah hell. At some point I’ll quit writing about it and just do it.

Today I Want to Die

Today I sincerely want to die. I no longer want to exist, through my entire being. I am holding on for my kids, but I don’t want to and if this feeling lasts I fear I won’t make it. This is the problem with thinking someone is fine. The reason, I suspect, why people complete suicide at a time when everyone thinks they are happy and their life had gotten so much better. Everyone in my life is under that impression. Most days I even write (or journal) about how hopeful I am now and how I am fighting the depression, but it’s really all a lie, because our society does not give a true ounce of caring to a person who cannot fight the depression and win and “get over it” eventually. Our society loves the “I beat depression” story. Our society also loves the “If only we’d seen it sooner” story when someone completes suicide. But the person who attempts to fight the depression and suicidal thoughts again and again, year after year, our society would prefer all of us just disappear. I can’t get a job, then I can’t hold a job. Disability isn’t enough to live on. On my good days I can come up with ideas for a side hustle to make some extra money, but attempting to implement it by myself is impossible, especially when I have a bad day like today. And if I tell my friends and family members I am struggling and contemplating suicide, they don’t know what to do any more and half of them think it is just a manipulation and I am lazy and selfish. I wish my kids didn’t need me. I wish me being gone wouldn’t effect them. I just want it to be over once and for all. I can’t handle another cycle of depression. I don’t want to be on this earth any longer. I really don’t. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Is that too much to ask?